I’m Sorry – NOT!!!

One of the hardest things to overcome is when someone close to you – like a family member or friend – causes so much hurt and pain over time that you’re forced to either temporarily – or worse, permanently – walk away from that relationship. That person or persons may or may not ever realize the impact of their actions. But one way to know is through those individuals who hang out with that person – you know those who stand on the sidelines or those who are love to recount the version they heard, 👂They are the ones with the one-sided accounts that end with: “Well whatever it was that happened. Surely, by now, you (or she) should have gotten over it!” 😲 And to them, I say: Oh really? 😠

So this person – with their narcissistic ways – should never apology for their actions, right?!? They don’t need to be held accountable, right?!? So we’re just gonna pretend like nothing ever happened and begin afresh only for them to come back and do it all over again, right?!? 🙈🙉🙊 WELL I THINK NOT!!! 👊

Six Months to Live

Two decades ago when my mother was on her deathbed, a then-friend suggested that I tell how I felt. This friend didn’t get a chance to tell her dying father whom she didn’t know until she became an adult how she felt about his absence. Unlike her, I knew who my mother was and even called her Mom. So she wasn’t a stranger. She came around for holidays, weekend visits, and such, but I wasn’t raised by her. Instead, I secretly wondered if she had deliberately abandoned me at The House of Jezebel. But in her defense – I will say, she was quite young when she had me. And now that I am the mom, whose in a much better place than she was in back then, I can’t imagine what it would have been like for her trying to take care of herself and me without guidance and assistance from others who fit the bill of being both emotionally and financially stable. (Unfortunately, no one around her truly fit that bill.)

So after a few days of contemplation, I finally got up the nerve to put my true feelings on paper. I compiled a lengthy letter and sent it. Since she was in hospice several states away, I at least expected her to call so we could discuss it in greater detail but she didn’t. By the time another week or so had gone by, I decided to call her instead. After our initial hellos, I asked if she had received my letter. She had. But lo and behold, she thought I was writing her out of my life. WAIT, WHAT?!? 😕

I quickly corrected her because nowhere had I stated or even tried to imply such – at least that’s not what I was aiming for. What I did say was that at 25, so much time had passed that the opportunity to have an authentic mother-daughter relationship especially under the circumstances was pretty much a lost cause. However (⬅ – Did you notice the word “however”?), I was open to our trying to establish an authentic friendship of sorts – at least try to get to know one another.

Again, growing up I knew who my mother was and was proud to point her out in a crowd and say “That’s my mom!” But from a parenting perspective, she felt more like a distant relative that I wasn’t sure how I was related to her. Needless to say, in those last three months, we sort of made up for time lost. Although I wish we had been granted more time together, I finally got a chance to meet the woman who was my REAL MOTHER. 👏👪

No More Second Chances (& I’m Good with That)

At least when my mom was dying, she reached out to everyone via an “In Your Face” kind of letter. It wasn’t the best way to get everyone’s attention by telling him you were going to haunted them once you were gone but it (sort of) worked. 😆 But in doing so, she at least gave everyone the opportunity to make peace with her since her death was near. Unfortunately, the next person in my life – the one who caused some much deep-rooted pain that I am still sorting through after almost ten years of “No Contact” – didn’t care to reach out to me even though her own health was declining. Being an intellectual type, she never flat out cussed anyone out. Instead, she had more subtly ways – passive aggressive tendencies – to tell you: “FU and have a nice day!” 🖕This person is the subject of my forthcoming book The House of Jezebel and she recently passed away. ⚰🙏💃

It’s strange how in recent months, I unexpectedly found myself thrust into the middle of another family matter. As this matter was unfolding, a friend and I were quick to wonder who had died for this matter arise. We would both find out later that the one suspected was very much still alive. At that point, it was about six months before her death. But during those six months, it did occur to me to consider reaching out to her. You know – to let bygones be bygones. 🤔 Surely by now, she was around 85 going on 86. So in her old age, she must have been ready to make peace? Maybe to even apologize perhaps? But after some quiet contemplation, I couldn’t see how reaching out after all these years would help anything. Deep down, I wasn’t ready to reintroduce her (and her crew) into my life and I wasn’t about to start allowing her to dictate when I should come for 5-hour trips one-way just to see her. (She pulled that stunt with my mother and she wasn’t about to pull it with me.)

Besides if she truly had changed, why hadn’t she reached out to me – especially if her health was declining? But if I decided to reach out to her, would she apology? Or was I setting myself up for utter disappointment? What if after all these years she really hadn’t changed and was more bitter then she was during my youth? So after careful thought, I realized I didn’t want to open up a can of worms. There was still too much bad blood between me and her. I simply didn’t want to create any hurricane conditions by unearthing any sleeping demons. If I did and it backfired, I’d found myself having to start the healing process afresh thus jeopardizing the 7+ years that I had already invested.🎯

One of the key factors in deciding against making contact came via a gentle reminder by the Universe of another certain person that I had given a second chance too only for the entire situation to leave me just as defeated as I was when I lived in the house of Jezebel. 💣 I let that person back into my life six years prior too after having lost contact with him after Hurricane Katrina. I knew some of his ways from back in the day, which was why I never truly considered him as a romantic potential, In other words, I ASS-ume after seven years had passed that surely he had grown up but I was oh I was so wrong! He too was several years my senior. so why did older people act this way?

Actually, I grow up believing that adults had their 💩 [shyt] together. You know our elders are supposed to be older and wiser, right?!? Gurus at this thing called life, yes?!? But that’s not always the case. In my life, I have had the pleasure of encountering far too many older individuals – both male and female alike – who spent years of their lives “covering up” their pains and heartaches, trying to go about life as usual. What they didn’t understand is that beneath the surface, they were harboring some longstanding angry, hatred, jealous, etc. At some point, all of these negative emotions would come spewing to the surface. 🌋

So just in case, you are in a similar situation where you’ve had to kick some people, especially family members, out of your life for your own sanity, please don’t look back unless you truly understand what you are getting yourself into! Don’t open up old wounds out of guilt, shame, or fear. Oh, and in case you are wondering. The death of my Jezebel provided the confirmation that she was still old, angry, and bitter and still wanted to “gain control” over me even from the grave. So no, she hadn’t changed! Actually narcissistic parents never do and the same goes for narcissistic partners/lovers too! Therefore, I have no regrets (and neither should you if you were/are in shoes like mine. 👢) ✌

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  1. Pingback: The Ritualistic Death of a Jezebel · THE HOUSE OF JEZEBEL (Book)

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